Everybody Staze...

I tell people often that everything will work out. Seldom do they believe me. I tell them to follow their heart… seldom do they believe me. I went through my teens, I know how difficult it can be to drop the mental drive that comes with adolesence and regain the young innocence that everyone posses in their younger years (before knowledge sets in). I’m still growing up, but remembering that wild passion, that emence pleasure that can come from just following your deepest desire took a long time, and still seems difficult at times. Two people, in the last 2 days, have made the first step toward this… two people I’d like to call friends. While I know one in the flesh, the other remains a faceless man on the otherside of his livejournal. It started as a gift to her… a peek into the man she wanted to know… then I saw something in him that made my heart skip. Both of them, oh, both of them… so alike, so similar. She would never admit it, or see it for herself… not now. His words struck the same cord in me that she did when I first started speaking at length with her. I remembered part of my youth… the part of my youth that made me fall for the woman I am with right now. I don’t know why… maybe it was their ignorance toward themselves. Maybe it was their ignorance toward eachother… maybe it was just seeing their eyes open to the world around them and feeling them realize the beauty that exists all around. I’m not sure… but since then, my heart is full of wonder, I feel alive. It’s a marvelous thing.

She, as I’ve said to many, reminds me very much of myself… and now he does too. It could be bias… it could be that I let my emotional attachment to her cloud my judgement of him… I really don’t know. It makes me, in some strange way, want to be just close enough to the both of them to hear them speak, to see them talk… to feel the emotions running through the air and through them. Oh, to be alive. I’m older than my years… I’ve been told this before, but seldom have I felt it more than recently. Both of them are more around 5 years younger than me… ONLY 5 years, yet she shows amazing ability, and he is so wise… so open. *deep sigh*

give me a life, and I shall live it the best I can… I know those words… I spoke those words… years ago. I’ve known them since… but not since those years ago have i felt them run so deep through me.

Thank you, both of you, for in some special way, showing me who I am again…

The drive from eugene to portland is an easy one, but doing it alone always creates an enviroment for me to think about life and those who play key roles in my life currently. Thoughts drift from person to person, event to event… and I always find a sense of disquiet in myself for not doing more to see those who mean the most to me. Sure, it’s not completely my fault if those I wish to see are busy with their lives, but does that mean I can get away with only doing a half-fast job of trying to see them? Or no job at all? *sighs* life upsets me at times, and at other times it brings me great happiness. All the time, when I sit and think about it, it brings a smile to my face to know that I am gifted with such wonderful people to live this life with.

Always in the darkness
I travel.
I can see the stars
Before me, behind me;
Distant lights always on the horizon.
My path keeps me honest,
But my travel seems chaotic.
I stare at a distant speck of light,
My eyes become sore from the strain.
They leap at me, the stars,
the light is blinding… I squint to focus.
the heat warms my body,
my soul feels alive.
The darkness still envelopes me;
I feel alive.

Doesn’t seem right, but it is what came to me in the car driving up here. First poem I’ve written in years… not sure why it came to me now… probably has something to do with my last few posts.

I get to see my family tomorrow… I love seeing them. I don’t see most of them enough, and that makes me sad when I stop to think about it. These people are my flesh and blood… i love them dearly. Though, I can’t say I love them any more or less than friends. My family are my friends, they are my friends by birth, and by choice. My friends are friends by the gifts of chance. life is marvelous, no?

Well, folks, i’m home… yet I don’t see anywhere to hang my hat.

Stranger things have happened. I now play a dangerous game… the random man sitting at the bar who does not leave when he sees a fight brewing between two drunk men at opposing sides of the bar. The bartender already ducked out, as did most of the crowd… but I remain seated sipping on a drink… knowing full well what is transpiring, but choosing not only to disobey the rules, but to defy them completely. I could end up being hurt, or I could end up hurting those who now want to fight bitterly… at this point, I’m almost in it just for the interest in what will transpire.

Time in, time out… go.