Everybody Staze...

Carpenter Shih was on his way to Chi, when he came to a place called Chu Yuan, where he saw an oak tree which was venerated as the home of the spirits of the land. The tree was so vast that a thousand oxen could hide behind it. It was a hundred spans round and it soared above the hill to eighty feet before it even began to put out branches. There were ten such branches, from any one of which an entire boat could be carved. Masses of people came to it, giving the place a carnival atmosphere, but carpenter Shih didn’t even look round, just went on his way. His assistant looked at it with great intensity, and then chased after his master and said, “Since I first took up my axe and followed you, I have never seen a wood such as this. Sir, why did you not even glance at it nor stop, but just kept going?”

He said, “Silence, not another word! This tree is useless. Make a boat from it and it would sink; make a coffin and it would rot quickly; make some furniture and it would fall to pieces; make a door and it would be covered in seeping sap; make a pillar and it would be worm-eaten. This wood is useless and good for nothing. This is why it has lived so long.”

When Master Shih was returning, the tree appeared to him in a dream, saying, “What exactly are you comparing me with? With ornamental Fruit trees? Trees such as the hawthorn, pear trees, orange trees, citrus trees, gourds and other such fruit trees? Their fruits are knocked down when they are ripe and the trees suffer. The big branches are damaged and the small ones are broken off. Because they are useful, they suffer, and they are unable to live out the years Heaven has given them. They have only their usefulness to blame for this destruction wrought by the people. It is the same with all things. I have spent a long time studying to be useless, though on a couple of occasions I was nearly destroyed. However now I have perfected the art of uselessness, and this is very useful, to me! If I had been of use, could I have grown so vast? Furthermore, you and I are both things. How can one thing make such statements about another? How can you, a useless man about to die, know anything about a useless tree?

When carpenter Shih awoke, he told his apprentice what he had dreamt. The apprentice said, “If it wants to be useless, why is it used as a shrine for the spirits of the land?”

“Hush! Don’t say another word!” said Shih, “The tree happens to be here so it is an altar. By this it protects itself from harm from those who do not realize it is useless, for were it not an altar, it would run the risk of being chopped down. Furthermore, this tree is no ordinary one, so to speak of it in normal terms is to miss the point.”

Nan Po Tzu Chi, wandering amongst the mountains of Shang, came upon a great and unusual tree, under which could shelter a thousand chariots, and they would all be covered. Tzu Chi said, “What kind of tree is this? It is surely a most wondrous piece of timber!” However, when he looked up, he could see that the smaller branches were so twisted and gnarled that they could not be made into rafters and beams; and looking down at the trunk he saw it was warped and distorted and would not make good coffins. He licked one of its leaves and his mouth felt scarped and sore. He sniffed it and it nearly drove him mad, as if he had been drunk for three days.

“This tree is certainly good for nothing,” said Tzu Chi. “This is why it has grown so large. Ah-Ha! This is the sort of uselessness that sages live by.”

——–

“…The cinnamon tree is edible, so it is cut down. The varnish tree is useful and it is cut about. Everyone knows the usefulness of the useful, but no one knows the usefulness of the useless!”

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

A post by the man I said hurt a friend of mine on his LJ really reminded me of that poem… well, atleast, in relation to myself. After she and I (in very different ways) called him on his behavior, he removed all his LJ and posted something saying that his friends shouldn’t try to contact him, because he wouldn’t answer. ‘s something I tried a long time ago… to run away from your mistakes rather than face them… and to attempt in a last fit of power to make those who you hurt feel bad for you. Redirection. Last night, at some point, he posted something back to his LJ trying to give an excuse… but in a very cynical obnoxious way. *laughs* and he turned off anonymous posts. Ahhh… how we close ourself to critisism when we feel hurt and left out. It’s his own fault… I have little sympathy for him if he can’t realize that there is little more to do than realize your mistake, atone for it in some way, and move on. This no doubt was what the original idea behind prayer was… but of course now, it’s taken on another meaning, and seems to allow for atrocities as long as you pray and ask for forgiveness afterward… then go out and do them again. Mistakes are supposed to cause learning…

today is going to be a long long post. a lot has happened since the last time I posted. Soo, bare with me.

I’m a utilitarian in many ways. Parts of me would not mind great expanses of old housing torn down, and old buildings to build high(er) density living and working spaces. build up, not out. that’s the logic in me… the part that says there’s little point in being sentimental and crying when an old house is torn down. This is the same part of me that would love to see people from eugene bussed up to corvalis for a few years while they tore down UO and rebuilt it. Because really, it’s a pretty poor use of space, and they’re out of it. Campus is hemmed in by downtown, and the river on two sides, and historic housing on the other two sides. This part of me wouldn’t mind seeing man wiped off the face of the planet because really, man is more of a scourge on the planet than a benifit.

Another part of me, the part that it would seem (as Rachel put it) few people see, is the heartfelt side. The side that wonders at the marvels of humanity. The beauty it is capable of. Seeing wonderful architecture, watching the interaction of a mother and her child, two people, hand in hand. These are beautiful things, and wonderous things. They say life is a miracle… well, if chaos and random chance are miracles, then yes it is. What is the “miracle” I think is that life can be more than it’s parts. Saccarides, Proteins, Amino Acids, all these things are very simple relative to the complexity of what they make when thrown together in a certain way. Sure, you can say the most egotistical idea is the one man lives by, which is that the human brain is the most advanced one on the planet. I mean, it’s the brain saying that… but beauty isn’t held just to man. Watching ants systematically carry away a piece of food, watching a wasp build a nest, watching a group of deer cross a road. All these things are wonderous… what is really amazing is that with all the damage man has done, and all the pain he causes to the other species of the world… that really, they can continue living in that world, and adapt to live in the world. It makes my heart happy to see these things… to see a man offer another a seat on the bus, or to see some random person offer to hold a stroller for a woman because there was no room for it to be stored in the wheelchair section. These are random acts of kindness. They still exist in the world… and that makes me happy.

On the other hand, what pains me more than anything, are premeditated acts of emotional or mental violence. I posted earlier about seeing the wonders of a couple, and all that… and it was true, then. maybe I’m too trusting… maybe I have too much faith in people. That’s not going to change… I still will trust people before not trusting them, but it hurts like nothing else when I see that trust completely taken advantage of and torn appart. I friend of mine was completely used… like a lab rat. A test subject. But not just that…. it would be like using a test subject to test VX gas. The tester knows it’s going to kill the subject… but they want to see how well it works, and whether or not they should improve the formula. Oddly, such atrocities have been done, but that aside, that type of thing is what happened to my friend. She was used to test what someone felt his type was, though he knew she wasn’t his type. That he MIGHT grow to love her. I say bull shit. You don’t grow to love someone like you grow a leek… it isn’t something you plant and water every little while. Love is something that’s there… you must realize that love before you can hope to ever gain a partner. It’s difficult, for many people, to tell lust from love… but it’s sociopathic behavior like this that perpetuates this difficulty, and spreads it. The innocent suddenly start wondering whether love exits, or whether it’s just lust. If you don’t believe me, just go to Reed sometime… it’s a school full of sociopathic behavior.

I am not a violent man… but sometimes I can almost bring myself to justify action against some people. It goes against my very grain… and I am assamed everytime I think this way… but that admission, I suppose, is the thing that will allow me to get past it. The first step to recovery.

I was up very late last night… first driving home from portland, then talking with my said friend for a few hours in a field not far from her house, and then talking for many hours with my companion. I got a lot of thinking done this weekend… a lot of honest and self prevailing thought. I thank the powers that be that I can sit down and write again… that the “pen” has returned to my “hand”. I don’t know why specifically… maybe it’s this blog, maybe it’s a friend, or maybe I’ve just had enough time (interally) to get over the pain I caused someone very special to me. I’m not going to question it outright… but rather use it while I can, because I have no idea when it’ll be gone again.

To all my friends in the world, both the ones I talk to regularly, and the ones I haven’t spoken to in far too long, I want to say that you mean more to me than I can ever express. You make me who I am… While I could walk through life not caring one way or the other about anyone, I find that I can truly breathe free and be happy when I think of all the wonderful people that have touched my life (for good or bad) and that I wouldn’t be me if they hadn’t. I love you all.