Tanzan and Ekido were once traveling together down a muddy road. A heavy rain was still falling.
Coming around a bend, they met a lovely girl in a silk kimono and sash, unable to cross the intersection.
“Come on, girl,” said Tanzan at once. Lifting her in his arms, he carried her over the mud.
Ekido did not speak again until that night when they reached a lodging temple. They he no longer could restrain himself. “We monks don’t go near females,” he told Tanzan, “especially not young and lovely ones. It is dangerous. Why did you do that?”
“I left the girl there,” said Tanzan. “Are you still carrying her?”

::Zen Flesh, Zen Bones. 101 Zen Stories, #14

Yeah, I’ve been slacking. It isn’t that I haven’t wanted to post, or that I didn’t have something to say, it’s that I just didn’t get around to it. Friday night was a lan, and then Saturday was a BBQ… both times I was up until around 4… and by the time I thought of it again, it was when I was waking up the next afternoon. 😉

The LAN was nice, rather unremarkable though. A lot of Desert Combat, and a keg of Alaskan Amber Ale. Tasty stuff… wouldn’t have been my first choice for beers (for a lan), but it was a nice refreshing beer for a warm room full of computers and geeks. Traded various things (anime, software, etc), and overall, went home well to sleep about 9 hours, waking up at 1pm when I was supposed to be at Les Schwab having the car brakes checked. Got there late, walked over to the mall, waited around, came back, found that they didn’t find anything (but did machine the rotors), and drove off. It started doing it again. Went back, guy drove with me, heard it, and determined that it was just a fact of the brakes (thanks) and said he’d add some more retension springs on tuesday. In the process of this, he moved a spring, and viola, when I was driving home, they didn’t make any noise at all. So Schwab put them on wrong last time they looked at them. YAY. I love Schwab, but the one here, kinda sucks. I’ll call them monday after driving a bit and tell them that their docs are wrong. 🙂

THe BBQ was more remarkable. The food was good, the company was better. Most of the guys went back over and played more Desert Combat… I sat on the other side of the Duplex, and talked with the girls. Talked about all kinds of stuff, but most remarkable were the results of the breast measurement. I’d thought about it before, the weight of a breast… but couldn’t ever get a good mathematical result. So, after trying again, and getting a really wrong answer, we decided to measure displacement. The 4 girls went upstairs with a bucket of water, and measured displacement. Taking that, and the fact that fatty tissue is approximately .90g/cm^3, we figured that the most endowded of them had the equivilent of a bag of sugar strapped to her chest (5 pounds). So, being a sucker… I strapped a bag of sugar to my chest, and walked around for a while. I can see why she has back problems. that constant weight, and downward force when walking or running would really get old and troubling. *sighs* new respect right here.

The rest of the time since my last post has been okay. My friend who has had the issues with a man I mentioned previously is becoming more active, and has set some goals for herself (I hope they remain healthy, and self motivated). And other than that, I’ve not done a whole lot. Research for work, etc etc.

I’m convinced that my body doesn’t react well to EtOH. Pay no mind to the intoxicating effects… I’m wondering more about the day after. I am always in a weird mood after drinking the previous day. Chemical imbalance or something. It’s a very bland mood. Psuedo-depressed even. Not sure what it is… perhaps low electrolite/Water content in the blood stream. Guess that would make sense…

On a good note though, I was told something last night that really made me happy. I can’t relay it here, but I just thought I would say “thank you for trusting me”. You know who you are.

That’s it for now I think… not a whole lot of philosophy in this post… but nothing really deep comes to mind right now… just wanted to let people know what’s happened since the last time I posted.

A friend yesternight told me that my last posts sounded very sad. I appologize for that, and if any of that sadness has seaped into the hearts of any of you, I am truly sorry.

Sadness:
sad adj. sad·der, sad·dest
1.Affected or characterized by sorrow or unhappiness.
2.Expressive of sorrow or unhappiness.
3.Causing sorrow or gloom; depressing: a sad movie; sad news.
4.Deplorable; sorry: a sad state of affairs; a sad excuse.
5.Dark-hued; somber.

\Sad”ness\, n. 1. Heaviness; firmness. [Obs.]
2. Seriousness; gravity; discretion. [Obs.] Her sadness and her benignity. –Chaucer.
3. Quality of being sad, or unhappy; gloominess; sorrowfulness; dejection. Dim sadness did not spare That time celestial visages. –Milton.
Syn: Sorrow; heaviness; dejection. See Grief.

Hmmm… heaviness. I like that. I would not consider myself a sad person, or overburdened with any emotion. I know I’ve shown anger, passion, desire… but most of these things are skin deep. Masks to impress upon others my general “knee jerk” feeling at the time. That’s a good destinction that I suppose I’ll keep from now on: the difference between emotion and feeling. Sure, by definition an emotion is just that, an emotion, no depth implied. But I suppose at my definition would say there is depth. An emotion is from the soul, from the heart. Love is an emotion, Sadness is an emotion. I suppose any feeling can be an emotion, but I generally am upset by the results. A feeling is usually mind created. Driving in the car, I get angery at the driver ahead of me, or the one that drove by at 90MPH and nearly sideswiped me. Feelings. Live in a feeling or with a feeling long enough, it seaps into the soul. I know people who are, at their core, angry. I’ve known people who are, at their core, in a deep hole of dispair. Hmmm, dispair. I don’t know if that’s a feeling or not. It’s too powerful and descriptive word. Love isn’t a feeling… but Lust could be an emotion. Curious how that works. Perhaps that’s what the bible means by Sins… when these feelings become emotions. Sin to the self. Diminishment of the self, of the soul. Corruption in some ways.

Fear not (fear can be both I suppose, though it’s generally a feeling). I don’t think that corruption, or really anything else, is permenant. Everyone can be “saved” as the babtists call it. I’m not talking a vision of God (in the external sense) or the act of someone blessing you (though the notion behind it is valid, actions performed by someone seldom have the effect they were designed for: love, as far as I can see, must exist between participants for there to be any sharing of experience). Troubled souls, souls weighed down by emotions they do not believe escapable. Yet all the while, they scream to anyone that can hear them that they want to change, they just don’t have the power to take those first few steps. I feel sadness for those people. It’s a type of sadness that is bordered on/with love. I don’t know… and it’s always pretty obvious who those people are. Consumed by pain would be a good way of putting it too (pain, there’s a feeling/emotion).

Again, I’m sorry if sadness has crept into your heart from reading my blog… I did not mean to share my burdens with anyone so much as express my soul. I still love you all… and I wish I talked to some of you a little more than I do (and some a LOT more). Just thought I might clear that up incase anyone else was feeling down after reading my blog.

Have a great day… and talk to some of you sooner rather than later. 🙂