“I hate this place. This zoo. This prison. This reality, whatever you want to call it, I can’t stand it any longer. It’s the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink and every time I do, I fear that I’ve somehow been infected by it.”

I should have just walked to work… it would have been quicker. Got up late, went to get a bus that never showed, went back home, went to get next bus… completely full (due to previous bus not coming), wheelchair, arrives late at station, catch later connecting bus, get behind large group of people all walking such that I can’t get by them… *sighs* Hope the rest of the day isn’t like this.

I feel better today though. Not so hollow. Something still isn’t right, and I still can’t put my finger on it, but I do feel better. Yesterday was just bad. Between waking up in a rather empty way, the local shit lab decided to be shitty again today. It’s full of old Macs that everybody has to use for a specific class, so the lab fills up, and the network shits itself everytime the lab is full. So once again, students bitch at monitor, monitor has no idea, bitches at us, we tell them “sorry, that’s just the way it is”. Well, on the bright side, we might be able to stop-gap the issue until the money materializes to upgrade the lab with nice pretty 17-inch Flat-panel iMacs (how sexy would that be?).

Katharine Hepburn died 2 days ago. *sighs* One of the best… I’m just hoping the other 2 (since things like this seem to come in 3s) aren’t Jimmy Carter and Paul Newman. Then I think I’d have to go live in a cave for a while.

On a geek note, I’ve been spending the last few days remapping my network at home… I hope to make the switch (pun intended) next week sometime. I need to get another router going and monitoring traffic on an IP level… but that shouldn’t be difficult… not if the documentation for the software package is accurate. Little perl here, mrtg here, should be a snap (I hope).

I was hoping to get a response or two to my last post… I was hoping someone would say “yeah, I’ve had that feeling before… not sure what caused it though,” or even better, “yeah, I know the feeling exactly, this was what I think the problem was”. But alas, no such luck was to come to me. Heck, it was probably just a pipe dream… not even sure I could talk to anyone really. Those that asked I simply said “I really don’t know”. Ya, that’s helpful.

Well… as for today, I just hope it wasn’t like yesterday, and I’ll keep on going until I can’t go any more. Tonight, I’m going to go over to LIX, drink some beer, and finally bottle the Stout that’s been sitting in the Carboy for a relatively long time. Hopefully get some laughs, and cheer the f*ck up… cause this depressed shit is getting on my nerves.

“What you know you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life, that there’s something wrong with the world. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad”.

Ever felt like that? I do sometimes. I can’t put my finger on why… perhaps it’s just one of those days where you wake up and you just can’t seem to find yourself amoungst the clutter. Riding the bus to work, walking from the bus to the building, just this kinda lost feeling. Something doesn’t feel right in the world, in yourself, but you can’t place what it is. ‘s very similar to the feeling I get when I drank the previous night… though, I can say I didn’t have any EtOH (or any other alcohol thank you very much) yesternight. Just not sure…

In response Rachel, I am not sure what you mean. Sure, I haven’t been hanging out at LIX, but I’m not sure I’d call that secretive. Working 9-5 M-F, coming home, playing some video games, being with some friends. Yeah, it’s different, but I think I needed a break from the norm. I need someone different. I love all you guys very much, and I probably will be around more this week, but as for the last week, I just needed something different. And not to sound defensive, but I tried to talk a little the other day, but you were far too engrossed in Harry to listen. *sighs* Today is just a weird day. Shit, this whole last weekend has been strange.

Final Fantasy 7… it’s been around 5 years, yet it still strikes me as being a wonderful and painful game. I think it hits a lot of things right on the mark. Pulls you in, gets you to know the characters, then throws a f*cking tire iron at you and watches you lie twitching on the floor from the impact. Not unlike life sometimes… you can’t always dodge the iron… you just have to get back up after writhing in pain for a while. Wow, this sounds really depressing. I can’t say I’ve been in pain for years… real pain. I know people who have, and perhaps that’s why I’ve been in this mood. I’ve taken in more than my poor mind can handle and now it’s feeling the weight of their pain. I hope that’s not the case… I certainly don’t want to stop helping people because I can’t muster the strength to analyze their suffering and then throw it away. I just hope that it isn’t indicative of something in me that the burden has made me aware of.

I can’t say I need someone to talk to right now… because I’m not even sure I would say anything. I’m just going to pass it off as one of those days, and hope it does its thing that goes on its marry way soon. My appologies for lacking in my posts… I’ve been busy entertaining and playing games. If I feel secretive to anyone, all you need to do is ask… I’m never one to turn away a heartful and meaningful question.

My appologies for not posting in so long, and for that matter, my blog being down. The location where it’s hosted had a several day network outage, so it was impossible for me to post or anything like that. That said, let’s get on with the post.

Gods, what to say. Most of my time has been taken up by work. Work this week was rather interesting. Monday morning, one of our primary servers was “rolled” (hacked) and the password database was taken. So after reseting everyone’s password and sorting all that out, we imediately went to work on getting things backed up on the server, and looking into migrating off the server asap. We were going to this summer anyway, but now it’s a little more pressing. F*ck Microsoft. Why can’t they produce a decent OS? Well, either way, we’re killing the couple NT servers, and moving to MacOS X. We might have one Windows2003 server to serve up Terminal Services. Blah blah blah. I just today fixed one of our Mac servers that seemed to have some weirdness going on. Oh well, that’s all boring (atleast, it is to me when I’m at work… all this week I’ve just about passed out from bordom).

My spare time this week has been somewhat null. Free time… well, has been taken up by one of the alltime greatest games. Final Fantasy VII. I’ve been telling myself and a few friends I was wanting to replay it… then a friend said she hadn’t played it, and wanted to watch me play it (I know, I know… I was a little weirded out too). So… that’s what I’ve been up to for the past week. God I love the game… unfortunately the graphics aren’t quite as stunning as they were at the time, but the story still kicks ass. It’s been probably 5 years, so most of the story is lost in my mind… no doubt replaced by X, and Chemistry. Eh, what says I can’t just replace those with VII? hehe.

Eventful parts of the week? I got good encodes of the Bebop soundtrack finally. Got a copy of the new Weird Al Album (hahahah, eat it Sara!). Finally got back in contact with someone I met up at SakuraCon… ‘s like pulling teeth. Let’s see… there’s something else, but I can’t say anything about it. So… let’s just say I might be preoccupied for a while. Atitd might have to go by the wayside. I’m sorry to all of you… I wish I could keep my account open yet not pay for it. I don’t want to waste the money if I don’t play, but I don’t want to quit… I know the desire will come again. Though, too many parts of the game were just pissing me off. Eh, we’ll see.

Let’s see… something more thoughtful. Someone, tell me, what’s better? A Long Distance Relationship (LDR) that suffers from lack of energy from one or both parties, or just breaking up and being single? It’s something that’s come to mind recently, and I’m not sure I can answer it. One is a comfort thing… the other is probably more logical. But as I’ve found time and time again, there is little logical about love.

Well, I think that’s it unless something else comes to mind later, or I have a really enlightening convo with someone. Here’s your chance to make it to my blog! Good luck. 🙂